Define "chronic" masturbator.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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