based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
