Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
