I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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