if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
