That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
