I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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