So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
