I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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