I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
