is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
