and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
