I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
