whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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