hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
