ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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