3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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