Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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