Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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