If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
