so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
