i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
