dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
false alarm. still invincible.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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