4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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