I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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