this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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