His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize