Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
