So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize