my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
