Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
