oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
