Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
