just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
