I cut my penus on the lid.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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