You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
