I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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