What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
