If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
