Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The Olympian is in my bed
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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