Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
