mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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