She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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