Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
