I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize