you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
