Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
