I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
