dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
