dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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