I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
