i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize