watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
