we have pet lesbian snakes
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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