Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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