Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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